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Despite decades of the woman’s movement or esteemed women who hold prominent positions of power, after all is said and done….women are viewed as sexual objects. Our culture encompasses a message that is loud and clear: a woman needs to be attractive, and therefore her value in society is based in that sentiment.
 
Does this affect the mother-daughter relationship? Immensely.
 
In my newly released book, Side By Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication, I discuss “hot button issues” like sex, money, values and divorce. An extremely important aspect of a mother-daughter relationship that is vastly overlooked is one of jealousy. In particular, jealousy stemming from a mother’s sense of having certain needs unfulfilled. I call this Perceived Transfer of Sexuality.
 
I coined the phrase Perceived Transfer of Sexuality (PTS) to describe a phenomenon that is prevalent among my patients, regardless of background or socioeconomic status. PTS is a feeling that many moms have in regards to their daughters somehow taking away their own sexuality. In PTS, perception can lead to the feeling of competition between a mother and her daughter and thus be responsible for some of the most volatile interactions ever seen.

Typically, PTS occurs as a daughter crosses into the threshold of young womanhood. The seeds of discord begin to grow when the role model she once served as for her daughter is usurped by the reminder that her daughter is becoming what she will never be again.
 
There are two basic reasons for PTS:
 
1. If prior to having her daughter, the mother was adored for her beauty, success or accomplishments, the perception that her daughter has taken that from her will manifest in the sense of loss. Typically, this can cause mom to direct her resentment and anger at her daughter, both consciously and subconsciously. This type of reaction is about the mother’s needs no longer being met, and she must try to understand why she is unfulfilled within herself.
 
2. If prior to having her daughter, mom never received the attention she desired. Her unfulfilled needs, whether it be for lack of recognition in talent, beauty, academics, or athletics, are now obtained through her daughter. Mom’s goal will be to attain the validity she never received on her own. Mom can also be resentful that the daughter is traitorous, playing a game she was never included in and succumbing to societal views of women that mom stands against.

It may seem to a mom that her daughter is stealing her sexuality, which realistically cannot happen. If a beautiful, fragrant rose blossoms in your garden, and then a day later a new rose blooms, the first rose does not suddenly lose it’s beauty or fragrance. It is about perception. With societal standards and pressure, is it any wonder that so many women live in fear of losing their beauty? It is, after all, a crucial part of their identity. PTS may be evident in a woman’s jealousy over her husband paying more attention to her daughter than her, a mom crossing boundaries with her daughter’s friends, or even a mom making an advance towards her daughter’s boyfriend.
 
PTS is often subconscious and hard to identify, and most certainly, difficult for a mother to admit. A woman must be brutally honest about her life in order to recognize the signs of this toxic truth….and in turn to further examine her feelings and possibly move into a healthier emotional place.

Dr. Charles Sophy is a psychiatrist and author of Side By Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication.

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