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Feb
12
2010
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Could jealousy be the cause of your mother-daughter troubles?

Botox. Restylane. Breasts implants. Tummy tucks. Face lifts. Hair extensions. Teeth whitening. Crash diets. Cleanses. So much for growing old gracefully!
 
We live in an age of developing ways to constantly make ourselves look better, look younger. We fight tooth and nail, as a society, and as individuals, against the natural process of aging. Especially women.

Despite decades of the woman’s movement or esteemed women who hold prominent positions of power, after all is said and done….women are viewed as sexual objects. Our culture encompasses a message that is loud and clear: a woman needs to be attractive, and therefore her value in society is based in that sentiment.
 
Does this affect the mother-daughter relationship? Immensely.
 
In my newly released book, Side By Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication, I discuss “hot button issues” like sex, money, values and divorce. An extremely important aspect of a mother-daughter relationship that is vastly overlooked is one of jealousy. In particular, jealousy stemming from a mother’s sense of having certain needs unfulfilled. I call this Perceived Transfer of Sexuality.
 
I coined the phrase Perceived Transfer of Sexuality (PTS) to describe a phenomenon that is prevalent among my patients, regardless of background or socioeconomic status. PTS is a feeling that many moms have in regards to their daughters somehow taking away their own sexuality. In PTS, perception can lead to the feeling of competition between a mother and her daughter and thus be responsible for some of the most volatile interactions ever seen.

Typically, PTS occurs as a daughter crosses into the threshold of young womanhood. The seeds of discord begin to grow when the role model she once served as for her daughter is usurped by the reminder that her daughter is becoming what she will never be again.
 
There are two basic reasons for PTS:
 
1. If prior to having her daughter, the mother was adored for her beauty, success or accomplishments, the perception that her daughter has taken that from her will manifest in the sense of loss. Typically, this can cause mom to direct her resentment and anger at her daughter, both consciously and subconsciously. This type of reaction is about the mother’s needs no longer being met, and she must try to understand why she is unfulfilled within herself.
 
2. If prior to having her daughter, mom never received the attention she desired. Her unfulfilled needs, whether it be for lack of recognition in talent, beauty, academics, or athletics, are now obtained through her daughter. Mom’s goal will be to attain the validity she never received on her own. Mom can also be resentful that the daughter is traitorous, playing a game she was never included in and succumbing to societal views of women that mom stands against.

It may seem to a mom that her daughter is stealing her sexuality, which realistically cannot happen. If a beautiful, fragrant rose blossoms in your garden, and then a day later a new rose blooms, the first rose does not suddenly lose it’s beauty or fragrance. It is about perception. With societal standards and pressure, is it any wonder that so many women live in fear of losing their beauty? It is, after all, a crucial part of their identity. PTS may be evident in a woman’s jealousy over her husband paying more attention to her daughter than her, a mom crossing boundaries with her daughter’s friends, or even a mom making an advance towards her daughter’s boyfriend.
 
PTS is often subconscious and hard to identify, and most certainly, difficult for a mother to admit. A woman must be brutally honest about her life in order to recognize the signs of this toxic truth….and in turn to further examine her feelings and possibly move into a healthier emotional place.

Dr. Charles Sophy is a psychiatrist and author of Side By Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication.

Follow the Link

Feb
09
2010
0

Kim Fraser Show

Kim Fraser Show and Dr. Sophy

Feb
09
2010
0

WGN TV/Midday News

 

Feb
02
2010
0

Whens the last time you said no to your daughter?

When’s the last time you said “no” to your daughter?  Answer on Today Show website and hear from Dr. Sophy live tomorrow:

_participate/http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35198477/ns/today-today

Jan
29
2010
0

How Open Is Your Mother-Daughter Relationship?

Take this quiz to find out:

http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/bxK473I/How-Open-is-Your-MotherDaughter-Relationship

Jan
26
2010
0

Four Tips To Help You Set And Enforce Family Boundaries

A healthy sense of self comes from clear personal and family boundaries. Much like physical structures that define space, boundaries are what define us from one another. Healthy boundaries are integral to how we find privacy, personal respect and our sense of what we as individuals are entitled to. We all need boundaries for our own peace of mind.
Many people have difficulty creating and respecting healthy boundaries. More often than not, an individual’s ability or inability to create/respect healthy boundaries is a product of their upbringing. Families that struggle with boundaries tend to raise children that struggle with boundaries, who tend to raise children that struggle with boundaries and so on. Setting boundaries and limits for your child is often a painful experience and requires that a balance be struck between love and boundaries and the enforcement of rules. It is crucial, therefore, that you begin as early as possible to teach your children their physical and emotional self.

The development of healthy personal boundaries begins in infancy. As early as several months of age, newborns begin to develop an interest in the external world. If children are denied the opportunity to separate, they may begin to feel it’s “bad” to have their own identities. Eventually, this may result in difficulty setting limits with others. For healthy development, young children need the freedom to explore their surroundings within safe limits set by their caregivers.

Parents who establish boundaries with their children begin to teach children about boundaries. Children are not born with an innate sense of boundaries. It is your task as parent to teach your child “I end here and you begin there.” Closed doors and drawers must be respected – whether it’s the door of the parent or that of the child.

Let’s check out Matthew’s home:

Matthew is 4 yrs old and is usually allowed to wander the house freely as long as he is in no physical danger. He enters his parents’ room without knocking and is free to open drawers and closets. His parents indulge his behavior because they do not want him to feel that the family has any secrets. By being so permissive, Matthew has not learned to set boundaries and respect the privacy of others, especially those who are not part of the immediate family unit. When Matthew’s family hosts house guests, he still feels free to roam in to the bedroom of his guests. Not only does he roam, but he walks right in to the bathroom where one was trying to have his privacy!

The guest asks Matthew to leave the bathroom, a direction to which Matthew responds by throwing things, yelling and crying. Mom and Dad investigate and discover that Matthew was told he could not come in to the bathroom when others were using it, especially if he had not knocked.

Matthew’s parents were quite dismayed as to why their guest had reacted so strongly to his intrusion. Matthew’s parents had never set this boundary and re-enforced it. In order to not be guilty of intruding, acting inappropriately, Matthew needs to be taught that there are boundaries of others that need to be respected and that there are consequences for not respecting them.

Honest communication is the key to creating healthy boundaries.

Try These Tips:

1) Know Your Own Boundaries: In order to teach you must know the limits of your own personal space.

2) Be Clear: Teach your child exactly what you want them to know. Do not expect your child to anticipate the boundaries.

3) Reinforce: Practice what you preach and model good behavior. If you want your child to learn not to rummage through drawers, don’t go rummaging through theirs.

4) Follow-Through: Remind your child of the limits. When someone breaks the rules, there should be reasonable and logical consequences that are agreed upon ahead of time.

It is vital to teach your children as early as possible the boundaries that you want them to learn and incorporate into themselves as they move out to the world and will need to interact respectfully.

About the author: Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California.

Jan
19
2010
0

The Four Truths

There are four inherent truths of the mother-daughter relationship. The Four Truths are the following:

1. Mothers and daughters want the same things: love, understanding and respect.
2. Mothers and daughters speak the same language.
3. Mothers and daughters, on some level, are in competition with each other.
4. Mothers and daughters have estrogen—lots of it.

Read more about the four truths and how they can empower you to have the strength and ability to journey on the path from sabotage towards success in your relationship.

Side by Side

The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication

Jan
19
2010
0

Side By Side

Side By Side

The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication – BUY NOW

“Dr. Sophy helps mothers understand how the relationship with
the light of their life goes from blessing to battlefield. The road back
is possible and readers will come away with a rich perspective and
a renewed ability to connect head and heart so that every mother/
daughter will have a richer, more satisfying relationship. ”
—Dr. Drew Pinsky, host of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
“I applaud Dr. Sophy’s efforts to take the heat and
pain out of the mother-daughter relationship. His principles
are sound and his advice is practical. Side by Side is
an innovative and useful book.”
—Jane Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells
“This book directs you on a path to connect mother to daughter or
vice versa. It is a marvelous gift.”— Sharon Stone
“Dr. Sophy has an amazing understanding of the
mother/daughter relationship. He has helped bring me clarity
on how I can be the best possible parent to my daughters.”
— Nathalie Marciano, former Creative Director for
Charles David Shoes, producer of My Life in Ruins

Jan
16
2010
0

The S.W.E.E.P. Technique – by Dr. Charles Sophy

The S.W.E.E.P. Technique – by Dr. Charles Sophy

The S.W.E.E.P. Technique

by Dr. Charles Sophy

A parent with a balanced life, both physically and mentally, is a better parent. A parent more equipped to be a loving and healthy role model for their child. You owe it to your child to be the best possible you. Parenting really does begins with you.

Remember to S.W.E.E.P. yourself first, then S.W.E.E.P. your child.

The five key areas to examine:

Sleep – Are you getting enough quantity and quality of sleep? When you wake up do you feel good?

Work –Are you fulfilled enough at work, even if staying home is your work, to be happy at the end of the day?

Eating –Are you using food to stay healthy and energetic? Is meal time a time for relaxation and communication?

Emotional expression of self – Do you let the important people in your life know how you are feeling? Do you allow yourself physical and emotional intimacy?

Play – Are you letting yourself enjoy life? Do you have a way to let go of worry and direct your energy to a positive place? .

 

March 2010
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